I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just want nice things and good sex
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
