That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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