How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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