How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
