There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
