conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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