You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
