if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize