I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
