Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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