dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize