how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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