Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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