I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
