happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
