I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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