Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
