I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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