I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I know her cup size but not her name....
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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