using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
