Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
