I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
