Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My penis needs a shock collar
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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