my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize