my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
