My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
