i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
