I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
