Will you blow on my dice?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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