I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
