I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize