The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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