I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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