My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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