A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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