I wanna bring you to show and tell
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
