Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
