First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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