Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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