Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We need a shit load of segways right now
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
