You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize