i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
