I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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