M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
