he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is the high leading the old right now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
