I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
