im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
dude. I can hear the air.
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