Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
