I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
