i wish there were pregnant emoticons
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
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