Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize