I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
