im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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