standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
