I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
