All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
