So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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