Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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